The first time Paris tried to get me to smoke weed, I said no, even though she called me a loser. I stood up to her peer pressure and said all the right things. But then (I donít know why) just two weeks later I asked her to smoke.
Actually, I kinda do know why, now that Iíve finished drug counseling and everything, and Iíve recommitted my life to God. Iíd always been a goody-goody my parental units could be proud of. But when I heard my birth mother, whoís now living in Minnesota, was drinking and doing drugs with some guy she met in a bar, it pissed me off and I said what the hell. So last fall I started a whole new lifestyle Ė smoking weed and cigarettes, drinking (a lot!), and constantly swearing (which Iím now trying to stop). I also tried coke once, and did meth and ecstasy a few times. I woulda done more, but drugs cost a lotta money.
This simple fact led me to sell them at school. Paris made a ton of money doing this, and she always had the coolest clothes and stuff, and so one day I was like ďCan I sell too?Ē She was cool with it, and introduced me to Devon, her dealer.
Devon wasnít exactly happy to meet me. (Maybe Ďcuz I came in my cheerleading uniform.) In fact, Devon scared the crap out of me. But anyway, I started making money and getting high, and hanging with my new friends.
I didnít OD or die or ruin my life, so Iím probably the last person who should lecture anyone on drugs. But hereís some stuff that did happen.
One time when Paris and I went to Devonís house, we found her dead. She used crack, but who knows what she ODíd on. I totally freaked. Iíd never seen a dead person before. I wanted to call 9-1-1, but Paris said screw it. Anyway, I was puking and couldnít talk. Devon was just 28. The next night I had a dream I was 28 and still dealing and using. In my dream I was really ugly like Devon.
My grades went from mostly Aís to like Cís and Dís in just one term. The worst part is I didnít really care. I just wanted to drink and get high.
List of things I no longer cared about (random order):
going to college
my art and poetry
my Christian friends, like Jessica and Scott
my cheer team friends, like Courtney and Kell
ĎCuz I was constantly late or forgot about practice, I got kicked off cheerleading. I also got grounded by my parents because I was failing some classes and Ďcuz they busted me for coming in drunk and cranked one night.
People do drugs to change the way they feel. I was depressed, and wanted to be happy. I was stressed, and wanted to relax. I was lonely, and wanted to be loved. By taking drugs, people think they can be the person they want to be. The problem? It isn't real. It didnít change my situation. It only distorted my feelings for a little while.
Then later I felt worse. Even stronger feelings came on Ė feelings of guilt, Ďcuz I knew I was screwing up my life, and even deeper depression.
Crystal meth was the worst. Sure, after I took it I felt happy and full of energy, like I could do anything and never stop. Now I understand meth can be as addictive as crack, and I could have died from a heart attack or burned out at an early age, and gotten old and ugly.
I crashed really bad and got horribly sick every time after I used it. I was binge drinking, and the combination definitely could have killed me. Heart failure, kidney failure, brain damage. Just what I need at SAT time Ė brain damage.
Okay, so now I know God sent an angel to watch over me, but if Iíd continued, I wouldíve eventually paid the price, probably sooner rather than later.
Iím so sorry I sold drugs to Alyssa and Shawn and the others. I asked God to forgive me, and I know he did.
Even Courtney wanted to try some weed, but I said no way. For Courtney, it was just blonde curiosity, but I didnít want her to end up like Paris.
Thatís the other thing. Paris went into rehab for four weeks over Christmas. She was addicted to coke and who knows what else. After she got out, she started right back where she left off. So far my junior year, I know two kids who dropped out for rehab, and one more (two actually) who probably should. One drug dealer who ODíd and died. And a senior I didnít know who ODíd and died. Plus four seniors last year were killed in a car accident at graduation. (The others were drunk and high, but the driver only smoked one joint).
So, yeah, Iím anti-drug now, but I understand why itís so popular. Teens want to escape their crappy lives. Weíre bored or pissed (I know I was), or want to try something we think is cool and different. We want to have cool friends and fit in and try everything.
Oh, I almost forgot. Alyssa was busted for GHB and has to go to court next week. It happened Ďcuz she drove into a car stopped at a red light at like 40 miles an hour. She was almost killed. I went to see her in the hospital, and she swore sheíd never take drugs again. But Alyssa is a big time druggie, so weíll see. She and I are becoming good friends, even though she knows I donít do drugs anymore, so maybe sheíll listen. Iím such a hypocrite Ė the good Christian girl who backslid for a while. So I know I canít judge everyone else, just love them and try to help.