This has been the hardest week of my entire life.
It started last Thursday when my mother called. She was all happy ‘cuz she’s getting married. I know I should have been happy for her too, but I was pissed beyond belief ‘cuz she’s marrying some total loser who got her pregnant.
So first of all I was ticked ‘cuz Dad wasn’t good enough for her. The fact is my father is a real man, a good man, but Arnold is a druggie and a drinker like her, and he probably hits her, but I don’t know that for sure.
Second, I was p.o.’d ‘cuz she got pregnant. She was probably drunk. She says she’s gonna keep the baby, and I know that’s better than having an abortion, though I think the baby would be better off being adopted, ‘cuz she’s still the world’s worst parent.
I guess the biggest reason I was pissed and still am is ‘cuz she’s all excited about having this baby. Like, why wasn’t I good enough for her? What did I ever do anyway? What did Dad ever do?
Okay, Dad’s with Jackie now, so I guess them getting back together is never gonna happen. I know deep inside that’s for the best, ‘cuz who’d want her for a wife anyway except some stoner and complete loser? So ticked she wants this baby and not me. I get straight A’s, except for the time I was messed up last year, and I’m going to college, and I’m a good girl, seriously.
I realize now I've been so mad at her ‘cuz she will love that baby more than she ever loved me. (Unless of course, she loses interest after like two minutes like she did with me and starts drinking again, which she says she’s stopped, but who knows?)
She says she’s found religion, whatever the hell that means. She says she’s going to church now – let’s see how long that lasts. I’m sure it’s all part of her act. I said ‘f’ her at least a hundred times ‘cuz I really don’t care.
Anyway, I went into my secret box.
I know I shouldn’t have. I should have thrown everything away back last Christmas when I came clean and rededicated myself to God. But I didn’t. That was a big mistake. Truth is – totally honest – I completely forgot I’d saved a box with some of my old stuff. I don’t know why I did it. Maybe to remind myself of what I’d come through. No, that’s a lie. I guess I kept it in case I’d ever need it again.
I don’t need it again and I never will, but I screwed up and saved it anyway. So anyway, in my secret box I kept a box of my favorite menthol ciggies (half a pack, actually), a few pills (meth), and a very small bag of weed. It was a big mistake.
After the phone call, I went into my room and I cried for hours. No one was home but me, so they didn’t know. Then I got up, and I went into the woods behind my house and smoked like two cigarettes. I got real dizzy and practically puked ‘cuz I tried inhaling and I hadn’t smoked in like seven or eight months. Then I rolled a joint and smoked it and then another. And then I took two hits of meth. Two of everything. Then I smoked half another cig and went back to take a shower.
I puked all night. My father and Jackie thought I was sick with the flu. I didn’t dare tell them I backslid and was cranked. I mean, what would they think of me? What would you think? I hated myself. I wanted to cut like never before.
In the morning, when Dad was at work, Jackie came to my room. She said she was concerned ‘cuz she thought I mighta been drinking. I told her no, which was true, but then I couldn’t hold it. I broke down crying and told her everything.
I was so guilty. I’d come so far, and now I was no better off than before. She said that’s not true. God had brought me a long ways, and he’d already forgiven me.
She said I needed to do a couple a things. First, we prayed to ask God for his forgiveness and to forgive my mom for being so selfish and being such a bad parent to me.
Next, we took my secret box and went back into the woods to the place where I smoked, and we dug a hole and buried the box, but first we got everything wet so it would be ruined, so I couldn’t go dig it up the next time my mother called and upset me again.
So then we made an appointment with my counselor. We aren’t gonna tell Dad though, ‘cuz he’s considering coming to church now (‘cuz Jackie and I have been working on him) and we felt this would just set him off.
So what about now:
I’m okay now. I know I reacted really badly to the situation, and I know I’m an addict in a sense – addicted to my bad behaviors, and my mother’s attitude towards me sets me off like a bomb. The drugs and the cutting and all that, it’s part of my old life, which is dead in Christ, and needs to stay dead by trusting in him. I’ve got to learn to go to him, my good friends, and Jackie rather than the kinda crap that never helped me then and will never help me deal with anything ever.
I know this. I just left myself open for a fall ‘cuz I didn’t bury that box last winter when I should have.
I know I can still slip and fall. So it’s one day at a time, like they say in AA. I’ve slipped in little ways many times – I’ve been snappy sometimes, and sometimes down. Usually ‘cuz of my mother, but sometimes for other reasons. I need God and my church. I need Jackie and my dad. And I need my friends to help keep me on the right track.
I’m stronger now, more determined not to let her calls ruin my life.
I need to look at my mother’s newfound “religion” as an opportunity to help her understand that God is not a replacement drug. He wants to make major changes in her life, and he’s willing to help her if she really wants it. Maybe she does. Maybe she’s finally growing up. Who knows? God does miracles all the time, so why not?
Regardless, even if God is just her flavor of the month and she never changes, I can’t let her upset the path I’m on. I’m a child of God, called and dedicated to serving him and helping people. I can’t let her send me into a spin like she does.
Maybe someday she’ll become a real mother, and as adults we’ll be really close. Or maybe she’ll die as a drunk in a back alley behind some bar. I don’t know. All I can do is pray for her and help her a little if I can. Forgive her and not hate her, like God has forgiven me. But most of all, not let any of it get to me like it did last week.
With God’s forgiveness, and with his help and strength, I know I can overcome anything. I can overcome temptation, and I can learn to forgive my mother.