I hate my mother. I know as a Christian Iím not supposed to feel this way. But I do. This is my biggest struggle right now.
My journal entry for September 23rd, right around the time my backsliding began, pretty much says it all.
ďBefore we go any further, I must confess that I hate my mother for leaving. And I hate her for what little I know about her lifestyle. I know as a Christian Iím not supposed to hate anyone. But anyway, there it is. Iím working on it. Iíve already prayed for forgiveness, and I prayed to forgive her too, but the feelingís still there. I donít hate my father, but lately weíve been fighting a lot. He can be such a jerk.Ē
My journal August 31st went like:
ďMy mother left home when I was six, and I havenít seen her since. I hardly remember her face now. A couple years ago, when I asked my father why she left, he was like ĎYour mother wanted something else.í I still donít know what he meant by that Ďcuz he never explains anything.Ē
ďYesterday I asked Jackie what he meant by it. Jackie said sheís living in Minnesota with another man, though theyíre not married. She was like ĎYou should pray for your mother.í I asked her whose fault it was. Was it Ďcuz of me? She was like ĎNo way. Youíre a total sweetheart. It was a little of each of their faults.í Then she said something that really hit me, so I went and wrote it down. ĎSometimes we start out with the best of intentions, but selfishness, immaturity, and unforgiveness take a toll until the person we once loved has become the enemy.í So true.Ē
I think what helps me the most with forgiveness is the fact that Jesus died to forgive me. He was constantly dissed, and he could have called for fire to come from heaven and burn up his enemies, but he forgave them. So I need to forgive my mother.
My youth pastor said it starts with asking God to forgive me for my mistakes (which I did), then telling her I forgive her (which Iíll do if she ever calls again). Then realize over time my feelings will take care of themselves with Godís help.
With my father itís a different story entirely. He pushes me Ďcuz he thinks Iím smart enough to go to any college, even Harvard. I tell him Iím not that smart and I donít want to go to Harvard anyway, but he doesnít listen. So he gets t.o.íd at everything thatís not an A. So when everything went crazy last fall and my grades were like Cís and Dís and Fís, he totally freaked on me. I know he wants the best for me, but he seriously needs to back off a little.
Okay, so he couldnít go to the best school, and went to a state college. So like Iím supposed to fulfill his personal dream? The worst thing is Iím an only child, which means all the pressureís on me. After me, my mother apparently lost interest in having kids Ė she probably didnít even want me (but thatís not what my father says). He probably wanted a boy who was good at sports, but instead he got me, so heís thinking like this sucks. So I play softball and do cheer squad, but thatís not the same as having a son whoís the star quarterback. So then when I screwed up, he totally lost it, and was crying and crying every night. Thank God for Jackie.
The one thing about parents is theyíve forgotten what itís like to be 16 and have so many problems. All they care about is getting good grades and how many activities I can do and awards I can win to make them proud. When I messed up, I lost his trust, and right now Iím trying to get it back. I donít know.